I've heard it said so many times: motherhood's all about making sacrifices.
Here's what I gave up -
Yup. Goodbye long hair. Hello baby!
Surreal and suspended. Yes, that's how I feel.
I looked at my husband yesterday, and he seemed like a stranger to me.
A call from an old classmate, and suddenly I was back in junior college.
Blow-drying my hair, it feels like I'm in Perth with my dearest sister again.
The house is empty and silent, and it takes me back to those lonely, stressful days when hunny was in Darwin.
I'm living here and now, why does my mind keep taking me back to places gone before?
Disconnected from reality.
I don't normally like to blog-rant, but this guy is so stupid, I can't help it.
Driver of Car SGH 1220 A has earned the title of World's Stupidest Driver.
We went to Kaki Bukit to pick up our pram and infant car seat today. On the way back in my dad's van (took the van today because all the stuff couldn't possibly fit in the car), vehicle number SGH 1220 A cut in front of us very suddenly and without any prior warning. Well, not too bad - we weren't that angry. Loads of lousy drivers do that all the time. As a warning, my dad then flashed him with the headlights. Now comes the stupid part: once in front of us, idiot driver jammed on the brakes (stopping in the middle of the road), trying to cause an accident, and as if that weren't enough, when we wanted to change lanes, idiot driver deliberately swerved in the same direction, clearly trying to prevent us from overtaking.
*deep breath* Here comes the rant..
How stupid can you be???
Firstly, you have a kid on your wife's (presumably) lap in the front passenger seat - that's not allowed. The law requires children to be strapped into a car seat for a reason, dum-dum! If we were nastier drivers, we'd cut in front of you and jam on our brakes and watch your kid fly out of your windscreen.
Secondly, you have an old woman in your back seat! If you want to pull this kind of stunt, make sure you don't cause too much collateral damage.
Thirdly, don't you think you shouldn't be drawing so much attention to yourself, since you're doing something illegal in the first place (kid not being in a car seat)?
Fourthly, have the brains to see what kind of car you're driving! If you're driving a tank-like Volvo, or even a large vehicle, then ok, maybe you can get away with this. But a puny Chevrolet? *rolls eyes*
Lastly, don't you know how stupid and uncool you look? And when we pulled up beside you and rolled down the windows, you idiotic coward, you didn't even dare to look in our direction! Your poor wife looked embarrassed. I would be too if I had a husband like you. Gutless worm.
I'm not trying to curse you or anything, but continue to drive like that, and I guarantee you, you won't live long on the road.
*deep breath* End of rant
The phrase "stupid idiot" is actually an exercise in redundancy, because an idiot is supposedly stupid already, but in this case, driver of car SGH 1220 A, you truly deserve to be called a stupid idiot.
I'm not well today.
I've got clammy hands, an achy throat and I just feel lethargic.
Think I worked too hard over the weekend. Can't do this anymore. I've just gotta slow down. Unfortunately, that's never something I learnt how to do very well.
I need a holiday.
I wish, I wish, how I wish I could just escape somewhere with my hunny - like the song goes, "somewhere only we know", and there's no one else. Stress-free, carefree.
Sigh. Hiatus. But as I explained to xb some time back, it's not so easy to do that. I guess I'll just have to settle for the next best thing - hibernate.
It's here - finally - the third trimester. Today marks the day I cross over into the final stretch of pregnancy. 12 more weeks to go!
I remember one particular visit to the gynae. She told me, in a moment of candor, "Pregnancy is very uncomfortable." Not quite your it's-such-a-blessing-to-bring-new-life-into-this-world kind of doctor, eh?
But you know something? She's absolutely right.
These days I get tired so easily. Not so much because my belly is getting heavier (which it is), but because I can't breathe. My diaphragm and lungs are getting so squashed, it's so difficult to draw a breath. Walk a bit and I start panting. And singing is difficult - I just don't have the breath control anymore.
I can't bend over to pick up something that's dropped on the floor; my belly gets in the way. Even crossing my legs is difficult!
I have to be very very careful when I sneeze. We don't want no accidents, now! (It's called stress incontinence, people.)
When I drink water, it tends to come back up.
My aircon is my best friend. Can't do without it. In fact, I wish I had another one in my bedroom. Better yet, I wish I were in Australia - a chilly winter sure beats this sweltering heat which stifles and suffocates me.
Want to walk beside me and hold my hand? Be careful you don't fly when my big ass collides into your side. Can't help it - I waddle.
You think that's bad? I'm not done. I haven't even begun to mention how the "Pregnancy Glow" is a myth concocted by aliens who wish to colonise our planet.
My beautician friend said she could tell straightaway I was carrying a girl. Why? Because I was more vain. Her opinion: Mothers carrying girls tend to care more about their appearances than mothers carrying boys. Hm. I am wearing more makeup these days, but that's only to compensate for all the uglyfying effects of pregnancy!
Let's see - my chest and boobs are riddled with blue veins. All over. I've gone up so many sizes, the only way my old bras are gonna fit me is if I fasten them around my thigh.
My arms are flabby.
My legs are flabby.
My ankles regularly "disappear" when I don't drink enough water.
My husband says I'm getting pigmentation on my body. I don't believe him.*denial*
But when all's said and done - I'm happy to be having this baby. I'm happy to have experienced what I've gone through these past months, and I'm excited to see my baby at the end of this journey. I was talking to a new mother whose baby girl is just 4 months old. She said, "It sounds crazy, but I actually miss my bump." Hm. I wonder if that'll be me sometime down the road. For now, I guess my schizophrenic prayers sum up my feelings the best - "Dear God, please let the baby come soon. No, no, not too soon, I mean let the baby come on time and be healthy and all... but dear God, please please let it be soon....."
Here's something a bit more cheerful after the afternoon's events at the police station. Ad and I headed down to Vivocity and decided to try the food at Corduroy Cafe which came highly recommended by a friend in the F&B industry.
The food is good! Pricey though.. piece of dessert cost us $7.95! I didn't get any pics of the food. Didn't intend to take any pics at all actually, because I was still feeling quite bleh. Only kind of perked up after the dessert (yes, it was that good).
You can see my tummy quite clearly in this pic.. almost 28 weeks! Yeh! 3 more months to go... 
I loved the decor of the place - check out this pillar covered with framed photos. If you look at each photo on its own, it's nothing more than a collection of quirky, artistic shots. Look at the photos as a whole, you'll realise that all the photos are kissy photos! Every shot has got a kiss - boy kissing girl, man kissing woman, father kissing baby, etc etc.. Made me feel kissy too! Too bad Ad didn't quite share the sentiment. Heh.
Conclusion? A nice place. Go there to pamper yourself with delicious dessert and nua on comfy sofas while admiring the decor and view. Foodwise, good but not worth the money. You can get equally good food elsewhere at less painful prices.
[I'm turning into quite the food critic, eh? *grin*]
I told myself I'd be calm today at the police station. I told myself I wouldn't get angry, that I'd keep my cool and volunteer information in a rational, non-emotional manner.
It went pretty well at first, I think. I didn't get to lose my temper because I wasn't really involved. Our Investigating Officer (IO) talked mainly to Ad while I sat some distance away on a sofa (too far away to hear what was going on). It was only towards the end that I decided to join them because Ad had some difficulty remembering certain details.
Turns out the IO had asked Ad to go down to the station today to answer some questions - basically, to get more information and to confirm/refute certain statements made by B.Ong. Stuff like, "What was XXX Company's role in the renovation?" and "Were you aware he was an undischarged bankrupt at the start?" (B.Ong apparantly told the IO that we were aware all along of his bankruptcy).
So, it was something like this - IO would ask a question, Ad would answer, IO would type down the question and answer on his laptop. Went like that for several questions. After the IO finished his questioning and typing, he printed out the document for Ad to read and sign - something like a sworn statement, I guess. Ad let me read it too - and when I got to the last question, all resolve to stay calm and non-emotional went out the window.
Let's see, the last question went something like, "Did you keep pestering B.Ong to conduct renovation works, knowing he was an undischarged bankrupt, in order to save costs..." Whaaat??!!! I think I lost it after I read the word "pestering".
The truth of the matter is that the idiot practically begged us to give him the renovation contract. Um, and somebody please explain to me how knowingly engaging a bankrupt to do renovation work will help us save money?
Do you see what I mean by him being an unrepentant liar? He's continually spouting lies. And we have to continually refute them as they come along.
It would be quite interesting to see what he's going to come up with next, if not for the fact that it's so darn tiring.
But I thank God for strength - not just for myself, but also for Ad. Ad's been the pillar in this whole affair. He's the one who keeps his cool and patience while dealing with all this crap - and I've been pleasantly surprised to find that my husband writes a mean letter! He's been busy shooting off email to the relevant parties - the police, the bankruptcy authorities - and I'm so impressed! His letters are clear and civil, yet incisive. It's reassuring to know that should this drag on till after I deliver, my man is more than capable of handling it all by himself.
Some things hurt so bad that the only way to let go and get on with life is to stuff them into a chest deep within your heart, lock the chest and throw away the key. Hopefully, as time goes by, the chest grows dusty, maybe covered with cobwebs, and as more time passes, the cobwebs shroud it so completely that the chest (and whatever's inside) ends up forgotten. Or perhaps, if enough time passes, whatever lies within the chest decays and turns to dust - little bits of nothingness - so opening the chest reveals just that - nothing.
The chest I'm opening is still very full.
The whole B.Ong/renovation con/embezzlement issue is, once again, alive and rearing its ugly head in my life. Ad's contacted the police to press them for developments after an entire year's nonaction on their part. We'll be heading to the station in approximately 7 hours to talk to our investigating officer (IO).
I can't sleep. I don't know what to think, don't know what to feel.
We heard from our IO that B.Ong wants to pay us back the money. But he made similar promises one year ago! The same old lies lies lies. Paying back the money he stole is not going to give me back this past year. I remember how I slogged just to make the extra money I needed - money I needed because he stole from us. I remember how I cried on my birthday just thinking of what he did. I remember how I put locks on our doors because I was afraid of unwanted visitors. I remember... and it hurts still. No, money will not satisfy me. Not this time. Not anymore.
He cannot be allowed to go scot-free. The case must be pursued. But I'm in no state to handle this - not now. For the past few weeks, my world has encompassed only these: my husband, my household, the impending arrival of my baby, my loved ones. All else has faded - gone the way of "stuff-I-can't-deal-with-right-now". I just have no energy for anything else. Dealing with this issue one year ago took so much out of me. How am I supposed to handle this now?
Take today, for example. After a year of inactivity, we received a flurry of calls from the IO - while we were in the cinema, no less! Poor Ad had to exit and re-enter 3 times just to answer his calls. And for what purpose? Mindless "he-said-this, he-said-that" nonsense. B.Ong is an unrepentant liar. And our IO wastes precious time and energy bouncing his lies to us - we refute them, B.Ong comes up with more lies, and so it goes. It was like that a year ago, it was like that again today. How long must I put up with this?
I just don't understand. The police have got all the evidence - the falsified receipts, the insolvency search results - it's practically open-and-shut! But no, I must get tormented every day.
I walked into spiderwebs to reopen this chest. And now the webs cling to me - sticky, entangling, irritating threads that I just can't shake off, no matter how hard I try.
Today I'm going to blog about something bad. Something very bad. It's called Online Shopping.
Online Shopping has an evil cousin - it's called Internet Banking.
You see, I've been bored lately. Can't scrap because the pains make it difficult to sit on my butt for long periods of time. So I've turned to surfing the net.
Loads of people are selling things on the net. They turn their blogs into product showcases - lots of pretty pictures to snare the hapless shopper.
It all started with xb - yes, I'm blaming you! *grin* She gave me links to buy pretty earrings. But I was strong. I wrote down a whole list of pretty earrings (and a bracelet) which I wanted. Then I tore up the list and threw it away.
But I'm not so strong when it comes to shopping for my princess... Pictures of cutesy outfits and pretty shoes tempt me non-stop. I've only succumbed once so far - I think it's a good buy! A set of 5 rompers for $11.50! With Internet Banking, I didn't even have to leave the house. Now, I'm waiting for my purchase to arrive in the mail.
What's next? Shoes, I think. The daddy-to-be wanted to buy shoes for his little one the other day. I stopped him - "Babies don't walk, they don't need shoes!" But there's an online promotion for shoes at the moment - pretty shoes going quite cheap! And I'm thinking, so what if babies don't need shoes? Maybe the parents-to-be need to buy those shoes more than the baby needs them. It's a small price to pay to quench a craving that might escalate into something worse somewhere down the road [think branded footwear].
And so it goes. Silent. Deadly. Insidious.
Something is happening to me.
Every time I go out I feel sick/tired/achy. I only feel better when I'm at home. I could be at home resting, or I could be real busy cleaning the house, doing the laundry, folding nappies - I'd be fine! But when I venture out, I get achy and tired real fast. Legs start to hurt. Funny aches in funny places. I get nauseous and giddy.
And bad-tempered. I scolded a rude taxi driver the other day. And today, I scolded some idiot who spoke rudely to us (Hunny and me). And you know what? I enjoyed it. So fun to chew up other people when they irritate you. I even felt like smacking his silly cap off his balding head. It would have been so hilarious to see!
Maybe it's the hormones making me more aggressive.. why not? Lots of pregnant animals get aggressive - dogs, cats, mice, pigs...
Yes, blame the hormones. Definitely the hormones.
I don't want to go out. Don't want to meet people.
I'm tired of hearing what other people have to say.
I had an anxiety attack earlier this week... headache and all.
Have mercy on me, ok? Don't keep filling my ears with words that, though well-meant, do nothing for my peace of mind.
I repeat - it's my baby, my life, my money.
So there.
Sometimes I get jealous.
Everyone wants a piece of you, it seems. There are always a thousand and one things - people - screaming for your attention.
Oh, your colleague/boss needs you to do this.
Gotta do this for ministry.
Then there's this thing they need you to do.
And, don't forget your friend asked this favour of you.
You're so busy.
And then to unwind from all this business - busyness - you need the TV. Or MSN. Or Mr Brown.
But where's the time for me?
I know I'm being selfish. All that you're doing is good - beyond good, even. It's only right. Necessary. Obligations. But I can't help feeling the way I feel. I'm pregnant! Can't the others see that? Why do they keep competing with me for time with you? Why do they keep loading you with things to do, favours they ask, obligations to fulfill when I need you so much? Can't they be considerate enough to look at my swollen belly and think before they open their mouths to demand another thing from you? More time more effort - all that which drains what's left for me?
With only 3 months to go before our whole lives are changed, I'm eager - greedy - for every moment we can spend together.
I want every weekday evening when you come home from work.
I want every weekday you're off work.
I want every Saturday you have free.
I want every Sunday afternoon, and evening too.
I want every public holiday.
I want every nonpublic, self-declared holiday.
I want every outing you go to, work-related or otherwise.
I want every wedding dinner you have to attend.
I want every trip you make overseas.
And, in the famous words of someone else, I don't want to share.
Ps Colin warned us, didn't he? Our personalities are such that we like to be busy, but we must remember to come back to rest - nest - in each other.
Have we forgotten already?
Bored. Bored. Bored.
I went to see the gynae today because of my pains. She couldn't do anything to ease the pain - just told me to rest in bed and wanted to prescribe me panadol which I refused (I won't take the pills anyway). Apparantly, I've strained/sprained the muscles down there, perhaps by walking/standing too much. Pregnant women are more prone to strains and sprains because of the hormones that relax the ligaments, and my case is aggravated by my low-lying placenta.
So I've spent the whole day in bed. Resting. Sleeping. Bored.
I'm thankful for small things - like Adrian's laptop, so I can surf/blog in bed. Thankful that there's a TV in the bedroom. Thankful for friends who call/sms to find out how I'm doing. Thankful that my baby seems to know what's going on, and is super active today - reassuring me and providing me with lots of entertainment.
Can't scrap. It hurts to sit up. I wish I could head down to the store today. It's Trendy New Arrivals Thursday and there are new clear stamps I want to look at, but I just know I'll get scolded left right centre if I venture out of the house.
Bored. Bored. Bored.
Well, there's always online shopping I s'pose! Good thing xb sent me a whole list of links.. Heh heh. New earrings, yeah!
Today was a bad scrapping day. Real bad. Very different from the way things were last night.
I suffered two disasters today. This was the first.. My beautiful disaster...
I liked this so much. I liked everything about it.. loved the cut out, loved the idea of putting it on green cardstock and cutting it out again, loved the sparkles that I used... But there was one fatal error - it's called air bubble. I don't know how a huge air bubble got trapped underneath the photograph of my sister. I'm usually really careful about these things, but somehow it happened today. I'm so sad. I wanted to give this to Debs but I can't now. You see, having an air bubble in your altered art project is like running someone over during your practical driving test. Immediate failure.
Despite my discouragement, I tried to do another one. The second one was even more of a disaster (it wasn't beautiful this time); I threw it in the bin even before the paint was dry.
I think something is wrong with me. I'm irritable and grumpy.
I don't feel well. My shoulders ache. I'm warmish - like I'm going to get a fever. I feel vomity.
I've got too much on my mind.
Insurance agent who's supposed to call me hasn't contacted me yet. Even if he does, I have no time to meet him over this week.
My computer is lagging. I'm afraid it'll crash because I've been taxing it so much with all the photos and such.
HP photo papers are crap. HP photo printing is crap. The ink smudges every which way whenever I apply glue. Should I get the Canon Selphy?? But I want a new camera. DSLR or digital compact??
I've got peculiar pregnancy aches and I don't know whether to call my gynae or not. Don't want to be overanxious and run to her for every small thing. Gotta be tough, see. But these aches are weird. In weird places. And no one I know has experienced them before. Even the parenting/pregnancy forums don't mention this. Why? Worried.
I haven't bought comfy shoes for Easter production yet. My feet are not going to make it with my current pair. But the only one I've seen is a $100 plus pair from Americaya. Feels so excellent to wear those shoes. But so expensive - and so ugly!
The last straw - I just got an email from my leader. Says my testimony is too general and nonspecific. But how specific you want me to be, when I'm only given 45 seconds to speak? Why can't I just say that God has been good and He's been providing for me, taking care of me? Do you really think the congregation can handle the reason why conceiving this child is restoration for me? Or about how God's helped us get out of debt that runs in the tens of thousands without explaining why it got there in the first place? Help. I can't do this.
Too many things. I'm just going to sleep.
Every now and then, I get inspired to do a project that really makes me happy. Therapeutic, I guess.
Adrian and I attended a wedding dinner on Saturday. I was quite delighted to see that the wedding favours were cute little jars filled with sugared almonds. Well, I'm not particularly fond of almonds, but the little jars were perfect for altering - smooth and cylindrical. And cute! I took six of these little beauties home..
It was so fun altering these jars because they are so small - I managed to alter all six last night, and here are the finished products:
The first jar I did could have been better - I think I was still warming up, so I played it pretty safe. The words read "God's Word is my daily bread!"
And into this first jar, I put alphabet pasta! Get it? "Word", "alphabet"... ahem.
I got a bit more adventurous with the second jar - decided to embellish with buttons and prima flowers, which kind of spoilt the smooth, cylindrical effect of the jar, but gave it more dimension.
Into this second jar I put dried rosebuds. These rosebuds were actually part of another wedding favour from another wedding. You can put these buds in hot water to make tea. Conclusion - weddings are good to go to, even if it's just to collect the wedding favours!
The third jar I decided to try something different. Used my sparkle mod podge for the first time (mod podge is a decoupage medium). The sparkles weren't that nice though - I think the shiny bits were a bit too big.. should have used glitter glaze instead, which had finer shiny particles.
At first, I didn't know what to put into this jar. I rummaged around in the kitchen and found coffee beans! Coffee beans are perfect, because they are so aromatic. The whole room smells of coffee once this jar is uncorked..
This is jar number 4 - my mother's favourite. I think she likes the bling! Coffee beans in this jar too..
I realised that all my jars were looking a bit girly, so I decided to do one that was more masculine, so that I could give it to a guy friend.
Since the patterned paper I used had stars and suns on it, I put star anise into this jar. Nice spicy smell!
My final jar - I think maybe I was a little tired when I did this, because I made some mistakes. Some air bubbles got trapped under the paper, so the surface isn't entirely smooth. Boohoo. And I liked the papers so much too. Tried to make up for it with a pretty ribbon, which was horrible to tie. Had to like try 4 times before I got the bow right..
Filled this final jar with tea leaves (that smell great!) which my dad brought back from Taiwan..
So now, after all the excitement of last night, I'm a little bored. Nothing to alter - inspiration has run dry. I wander from room to room with my eyes peeled, hoping to find something, anything that I could possibly work on, but my mind keeps assessing and rejecting possibilities.
-No, this box is too soft.
-This jar is too big.
-This tin hasn't got a lid.
-This jar isn't even mine!
Anybody out there has cute little jars I can use?
Here's another page I did just this past friday - oh so tiring! This one was a study in patience. And perseverance. And, like what xb says, fine motor skills. Each of the red flowers on the right took 10 minutes minimum to cut out. There are 9 of these flowers. Go figure. I'm still trying to recover from the sleep deprivation of that friday night...
Close up of those killer red flowers:
A close up of more cut outs:
A rub on:
And here's the page which I started on during my mini scrap session with xb and Miss Ho - I finally managed to finish it after heading back to the store to get more materials. Guess what I was short of? Letter "Z"s.
Lots of people helped me with this layout. Xb and Miss Ho gave me lots of advice - even Ad chipped in. This little photo here was his idea..
And credit for this beautiful cut out must go to Miss Ho:
I originally wanted to post this as a comment, but since I had so much to say, I thought I'd put it here instead..
I don't think scrapping is a gift! It's something that can be learnt.. At first I was quite 'boring' too - afraid to try a lot of things, and I made a lot of mistakes.. but imitating other people has taught me a lot, and given me the confidence to try lots of other stuff (not all good).. I think being artistic and innovative is a gift.. a lot of what I do is trial and error - no art there! and copying too, of course!
As long as you have the interest, I bet you can do it! Let's organise another scrapmeet! or better still - I'll organise a private class - Made With Love does private classes for a group of 4 and above, I think (must pay, of course, but I don't know how much per person). We'll pick a project that we all like - maybe an album or lunchbox - and we'll have an instructor to facilitate the workshop! Funz!
Let's see - list of participants could be.. all you who read my blog? Grand total 5! Haha!
