It's like everything I've been praying against is coming true.
2 days to 39 weeks, and
my cervix is still closed
baby's head is still high
baby's in the dreaded occiput posterior position (spine against my spine)
I asked my gynae if I could be induced today. We bargained. She said Monday if my cervix was open. It wasn't. So she won't, because there's a high chance I'll end up with a C-section if I'm induced when the cervix is closed.
I have this sinking feeling that my cervix is never going to open in time, and I'm going to have to be induced, and because it won't open, I'll end up with a C-section anyway.
Just like my mom.
Failure to progress.
Failure.
Big fat failure.
Why can't I be normal?
Why can't I, just for this once, be normal like other women?
I got a manicure and pedicure today to cheer me up. It didn't work. Because it's probably a subconscious throwing in of the towel. You see, they take off the nail polish when you deliver - I knew that, but I didn't care anyway.
I think I'm giving up. It's so hard to persevere when you feel like a big fat failure.
